— Note from Mom, clearly in a ploy to win GREATEST PERSON
- Mom: Your shoes are called wedgies.
- Me: *Wedges.* Wedgies are when your underwear goes in your buttcrack.
- Mom: Oh, I don't know TV slang like you do.
- Grandpa: [Your cousin] doesn't know what "gobble gobble" means.
- Me: Did you say that to her?
- Grandpa: Yes.
- Me: Happy Thanksgiving!
- Grandma: Happy Turkey Diwali.
Parties can be stressful to plan, but mostly because you’re a poor excuse for a person. So here’s how to plan the best party for little old you: the pity party.
1. Invitations. Craft stores sell dozens of do-it-yourself invitation kits, so invest in one and you’ll almost guarantee to make cards unattractive enough that no one will want to attend. Pro-tip: invite semi-acquaintances too, to boost your percentage of “regrets only” responses.
2. Decorations. Seasonal decor is the perfect way to spruce up your patio, and buying cheery lights or ornate crepe paper will ensure that you gaze wistfully at your surroundings, wishing you could connect to a real human being, instead.
3. Food. Parties are prime-time to test out exciting recipes - crepe suzette, beef wellington … Anything challenging enough to fall drastically beneath your expectations!
4. Drinks. Making elaborate cocktails is an easy way to show off your party-prowess, and is also a way to awkwardly engage with your very few guests who will only talk to you when they’re drunk! What an alone-time!
Being yourself can be hard in front of new people. So here are the best ways to cut to the chase and change the one common denominator: YOU.
1. Say “Me too.” Show people how relatable you are by replying “me too” to their anecdotes. Not only will you show your ability to empathize, but you will also not have to struggle to find something to say to this person who is just objectively way, way cooler than you!
2. Send feelers that you’re “Always game.” People love to hang out with other people, as made clear by all that exclusive water-cooler talk (… office karaoke sounds fun)! So let people know that you’re “one of them” (even though you’re not) by saying how ready you are to try anything. Then, the next time they need a fifth for a trivia night - who knows? Maybe they’ll ask someone, who will then say they can’t, and then recommend you!
3. Clear your calendar. You want to always be free at a moment’s notice, in case someone invites you along for something that’s way cooler than whatever dumb bullshit you wanted to do Saturday night. Never be “that girl” who just wants to “stay at home and read” when you could be the life of the party at an interpretive bluegrass show on ice!
4. Invest in “hobby gear.” God forbid you should ever invite someone over to your rathole of an apartment, but if you do, make sure to be prepared. Curate materials used in a wide range of hobbies, from camping to painting to martial arts. Next thing you know, you’ll be having a charming and 100%-not-fucking-stupid conversation about your beloved “nautical-themed” kitchenware! Insta-friends!