January 2011
79 posts
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DREAM
My old internship was looking for the bathroom key, and no one could find it. My Dad and I looked for it everywhere, and he said it was a key with a keychain that “had kids on it.” I showed him all the keys I had (including one with a Winnie the Pooh keychain) and he said they didn’t match.
In the end, we all went home and decided to look for it another time. Everyone was...
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Roommate's Boyfriend: Whatchya cooking?
Me: Poached eggs.
Roommate: What's that?
Me: Uh, it's just when you plop the egg into boiling water and let it cook.
Roommate: Oh ... is it supposed to look like that?
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(after Karaoke worker leaves)
Me: I didn't get carded. Nice!
(ten minutes later, to a room full of people)
Karaoke worker (to me ONLY): Do you have ID?
Me: Uh, yeah. (gives) I know, I can't stay past 7.
Karaoke worker: Huh? (looks) So you're not ... um ... yeah, you have to leave at 7.
Me: I understand.
Karaoke worker: Your friends just tried buying alcohol at the bar --
Me: I'm not drinking anything.
Karaoke worker: Yeah, I can't serve anything to them. (leaves)
(others come back from bar)
Me: I'm ... sorry.
Friend: We'll all just do heroin.
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DREAM
Alyson, Jamie and I were going on a trip somewhere (from Arizona) and Alyson wanted to sneak liquids on the plane. She stuffed some in my suitcase and put it on a plane headed for Rome (along with my purse). We were mostly on the run, wondering when we’d be caught and what would happen. I remember I continuously shouted that I didn’t want to do this (and I didn’t need any...
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Watchlatke-independence:
rhetoricaldancing:
pizened:
rubdown:
elgog:
excuse you.
would this ever happen to jesse eisenberg?
WELL ACTUALLY
OBVIOUSLY HE HAS A CAT.
Oh my God.
They’re the same person.
I N C E P T I O N
I’ve recently been telling my roommate how attracted I am to a) Jesse Eisenberg and b) Simon Amstell. She went ahead and told me they remind her of Carrot...
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Good parenting
When I was eight, I really wanted to see Spice World*. I wrote it down on the chalkboard in my house on a “to-do” list (there was nothing else on it), and told my Dad several times that we HAD TO SEE IT. He said he’d take me. But we never went.
Instead, I just waited five months and rented it with a Blockbuster coupon.
It’s cool when parents realize your mistakes before...
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Returning a wrong number.
Context: Someone who I worked with on set *a year ago* (ONCE), called me twice while at home, and I missed both calls. Having no other reason to call me, I assumed it was regarding a desperate need of help on another set.
Me: Hi Adam?
Adam: Yes.
Me: Hi, I'm just returning your call. Sorry I didn't have my phone on me this weekend.
Adam: Oh, it's okay, I just didn't know where you were.
Me: (Subtext: What?) ... Uh, yeah, well I'm back in the city now.
Adam: Okay, yeah, I had just wanted help with grocery stuff, and none of you guys were picking up your phones.
Me: (Subtext: What?) ... Well, sorry ... about ...
Adam: It's fine, I hope you guys made it back okay.
Me: (Subtext: What?) ........................ uh, yeah okay.
Adam: Uh, yeah --
Me: (Subtext: What?) Bye.
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Mrs. J: Parvathi, come look at this.
Parvathi: If it's about arranged marriage, no.
Mrs. J: No, no no, it's not, just come here.
Parvathi: Fine.
Mrs. J: (pointing to computer screen) See, look it's the Earth!
(observing Earth screensaver, Parv moves the mouse to reveal an Indian dating website)
Parvathi: NO.
(leaves)
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Brother: So the kid I mentor and I were sitting down, and then this oafish Harvard white guy comes to our table with his kid. They talk, and my kid just starts talking to this guy instead, saying, "wow you're so funny! Ha, you're like a comedian! You're so cool!" And I'm just like, what? No he's not.
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Me: Yeah, there were a lot of shots that had equipment in the background. So.
Guy who made the mistake of filming the shot with the equipment in the background: Ehhhh hah whatever!
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While making bubble tea.
Roommate's Boyfriend: What's that?
Jamie: Bubble tea.
Roommate: What's that?
Me: It's like little tapioca pearls.
Roommate's Boyfriend: What are those?
Me: Like the little blobs in tapioca pudding.
Roommate: ...
Me: Sort of gelatinous?
Roommate: Oh! We had that at that one place. It was so disgusting, remember?
RB: Oh yeah, that was really bad.
R: Oh my God, it was the grossest thing I've ever had, I couldn't even finish it.
Me: Oh, that's how I felt the first time, but you get used to it.
R: I just don't get why they call them bubbles. They're not bubbles.
Me: Well, you know ... I mean ...
RB: And that toast with the condensed milk or something? That was really bad.
J: Yeah, that's a traditional Taiwanese dessert.
R: It was disgusting.
Tea's ready!
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After cooking more Indian food.
Roommate: It smells like burning.
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Me: (eating naan and vegetables)
Roommate's Boyf: Hey, long time no see.
Me: Yeah, heh (awkward chit-chat).
RB: Whatchya got there?
Me: Indian food.
RB: Indian pizza?
Me: Uh, sure close enough. Yeah, sorry you could probably smell it down the hallway.
RB: At my job I tried this thing for the first time -- garlic fries? Yeah, they were so good, but they stunk up the whole place.
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"Your guide to the 83nd Academy Awards, featuring...
This is my 2rd time reading that sentence, Entertainment Weekly.
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Classy red tape
Me: Hi, I'm following up on a previous inquiry I had?
Payroll: What is this regarding?
Me: A check.
Payroll: Please hold.
Me: (holds)
Payroll: Hi, can you read me the incident number?
Me: It's 99999.
Payroll: Can I ask who I'm speaking to?
Me: My name is Rekha.
Payroll: What a pretty name, please hold.
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heartfullofplants:
alexandra-ewing:
Polaris,...
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“‘Hey Soul Sister’ is an orgy where bad ideas trade STDs, and the most syphilitic brain-fart stumbled in drunk from a Smash Mouth show. (For those of you who arrived late, Smash Mouth was a band from the late ’90s that was formed when a soul patch met cake frosting […]).”
THANK YOU ROBYN AND ALEX.
A girl came door-to-door asking for artwork for an...
She seemed pretty desperate, so I gave her a painting I did when I was 8 of two cats and a rat.
I won nothing.
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After the dirty chairs in Vegas ...
Dad: These are all nicer hotels. They don't have brown stains on the chairs.
Me: Uh-huh.
Dad: Some kid probably pooped on it. Or maybe someone spilled sambar sadham.*
*Look it up
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Me: I could shovel a driveway.
Dad: No you couldn't.
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Job posting:
11/16/2010 Glendale CA Preditor Si TV
The value of an extra “e.”
I have a real addiction
to cake
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I keep watching Everybody Loves Raymond marathons.
Comedy night? More like comedy LIFE.
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Being a student forever sounds great, thanks!
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INT. WEGMAN'S - NIGHT
Claire and Kathy are purchasing beer.
Wegmans (to me): Excuse me, are you of age?
Me: (looks around) Uh ............... (whispers) yes?
Wegmans: Do you have ID?
Kathy: It's not for her.
Wegmans: I understand, but she's with you.
Kathy: But we're 21.
Wegmans: But are you?
Me: Me? Uh .......... no.
Wegmans: How old are you?
Me: ...... 20.
Wegmans: Yeah, okay then, you guys can't buy beer.
Me: .... Oh, I'm not with them, I came separately. (lie)
Wegmans: It doesn't matter. Now I've seen you with them and I know your underage, so I can't sell you guys beer.
Claire: But that's not a law.
Kathy: That doesn't make sense. What if someone comes in with their parents?
Wegmans: That's different. That's their legal guardian, and that person takes responsibility for their child.
Kathy: This isn't even FOR her. I'm bringing it home. To my house. For my family.
Wegmans: I understand, but it's company policy. And if I read the newspaper tomorrow and see that she got into some accident because she drank your booze, then I'm not going to be too happy.
Kathy: So, I don't understand what you want me to do. Do you want me to return this?
Wegmans: Yes.
Thanks for your concern, Wegmans. I was just trying to spend an evening with my MOMS but I can see how intolerant people would think that's a crime.*
*What I SHOULD have said.
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